EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 58

March 7th, 2010

When the club officials and spectators are wearing extra thick winter garments, how are the English footballers playing in this sub-zero European winter wearing only a thin jersey and shorts? Also, how come not a single flake of snow could be found on the ground?
–Amitabha Sarkar

Football and other ball games in freezing weather are possible not because the brave players first froze their balls on the playing fields of Eton. Actually many English Premier League matches were postponed because of cold weather, snow and frozen pitches this winter. Some were put off when the field was fine but approach roads were icy. However, most Premiership stadiums have undersoil heating systems, with hot-water pipes to prevent snow and ice from building up. In future these systems may be replaced by electric heating, as recently selected by the Dutch club Ajax Amsterdam.

Is there any web site or helpline or source from which the subscriber of a telephone number in Kolkata (not mobile), other than BSNL, can be found out, please?
–Dipjyoti Majumdar, Kolkata

Private fixed-line providers like Airtel, Reliance Communications and Tata Teleservices don’t allow access to their records except in special cases such as a request from a security agency. The best helpline, if you’re being harassed by an unidentified caller, is the police line. But if it’s a cute girl whom YOU want to locate (or harass), then you’ll have to risk complaining against her and try to make up after catching her. Of course, there are illegal ways to find out, but unfortunately this column does not offer such help (unless you make me a generous offer). Yet, you can find the caller’s location and service provider, at sites like hacktrix.com/trace-mobile-phone-location-and-service-provider-details. The BSNL reverse phone directory, in case you didn’t know already, is at calcutta.bsnl.co.in/telno.shtml.

Does the Nokia N900 support a CD/DVD-ROM (by using extra devices)? Can I sit for the Aakash All India Test Series for IIT-JEE with it? Does the already mentioned Internet tablet support any printer? If yes, please mention a good but cheap one. Can you please tell me its price (in INR) in Malda?
–K.T. Hankslet, Malda

You’re only supposed to ask ONE question–but I’m feeling generous today (cf. Dipjyoti’s answer). Well, you can convert your CDs or DVDs by downloading a ripper. You can sit or stand for the Aakash tests online with the N900, although they have a time limit and might take longer with this mini-computer. It doesn’t support printers, so you’d have to improvise by using a Bluetooth application to send data to a printer, etc. I’d recommend an HP printer costing about Rs. 2,500 in Malda (more than in Kolkata because of the transport cost).

I have downloaded some images from the Internet onto the hard disk of my computer. How can I copy those images into my mobile phone?
–Ronak Shrivastava, Kolkata

Why must you make life so complicated? Well, it depends on the phone. For a Nokia, load Nokia PC Suite software onto your computer. Next, connect the phone and computer through a USB cable, or use a Bluetooth dongle. Double-click the Nokia PC Suite icon on the computer. Get the Nokia Phone Browser. Select desired images. Right-click image and send file fast and furiously to phone.

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

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MALIGNANT HUMOUR 38

March 7th, 2010

They may put you in chains and lock you up in a tiny cell, but they can never take away the thoughts of freedom in your mind. That’s what makes it worse.

YEARS OF SOLUTUDE

Three convicts were on their way to prison for a long time. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
     On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the ‘Grandma Moses of Jail’. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”
     The first convict pulled out a pack of cards and said, “I brought cards. I can play solitaire, poker, gin, and any number of games.”
     The third convict was sitting quietly, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
     The guy pulled out a box of tampons. He said, “I brought these.”
     The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”
     “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating, …”

WEALTHY WIDOWER

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her charm and who hangs on to Bob’s arm listening intently to his every word.
     His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They are bowled over, but continue to question him. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replies. They ask, “What did you do, tell her you were only 50?”
     Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

ROTTEN EGG

Customer: “Waiter, this egg isn’t fresh!”
     Waiter: “Don’t look at me, sir. I only laid the table.”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Mangesh Nabar

A new supermarket has opened in Double Bay, Sydney, Australia.
     It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
     When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
     In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.
     In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith’s beer.
     When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
     The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.
     Of course, I do not buy toilet paper there any more!

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

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EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 57

February 28th, 2010

What is String Theory? Is it going to help me in any way?
–Dilip Kumar Giri, Howrah

A good grasp of string theory is essential for those who don’t want their pyjamas to fall off. String Theory is also the generic name for a number of theories of the universe, explaining its elementary particles. Think of it this way: just as the strings of a guitar can produce different sounds depending on their tension and vibration, so elementary particles might appear as ‘notes’ on elementary strings–bad pun follows–composing them. The theory attempts to unite the fundamental forces of nature, and in its ‘supersymmetric’ versions–pairing all particles of matter with force-carrying particles–is a TOE (Theory Of Everything). You can show this TOE the finger and forget about it, or study it (though it’s mainly mathematical and minimally musical) and be a researcher or teacher; or use it to impress your ignorant friends by tying them up in knots.

Why do the officers and clerks at government offices, whether central or state, not want to work or move files unless they are offered bribes? This is rampant in the West Bengal state sales tax department. How to get them caught? What is the process of notifying the CBI or other relevant competent authority?
–Ram Vikash Sharma, Kolkata

It’s called the law of inertia. If you witness corruption and want to ‘get them caught’ and suspended, then probably the only way is to approach a private TV channel and conduct a sting operation. But I’m afraid that even if you manage to do so, they will likely soon bribe their way back or otherwise return to office. The system is entirely corrupt, and some of the people who get caught seem to think they have added fame to their fortune. Filing complaints and even FIRs accusing them of corruption generally does little good. However, many instances of little good may add up to more than a fat lot of good, and you should do what you can if you have the courage (and patience). You could use the Right to Information Act, especially if it’s a case of someone refusing to push your file without a bribe. Write a complaint, also asking what action is to be taken, and address it to the Assistant Commissioner of Commercial Taxes, Corporate Division; 14, Beliaghata Road; Kolkata 15. Write it on 10-rupee stamp paper or affix a court fee stamp, giving your own address, phone number, etc. for further communication. You would get the information within 30 days. Complainants might see their problem solved before a reply is required, simply because that’s often preferable to providing embarrassing information (even if Bengal ranks at the bottom of the table in public satisfaction with the RTI Act). RTI has become quite useful for getting minor work done; but it still does a toad’s load of good when hunting the high flyers. Just last week, for example, RTI activist Shashidhar Mishra was shot dead in Begusarai district of Bihar. Eventually the system will change. Honest citizens and government servants are trying out things like mobile networks to help each other when in trouble; and e-governance, technology and automation are making corruption more difficult; though at the moment we’re still being governed by greasy goondas.

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

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MALIGNANT HUMOUR 37

February 28th, 2010

A dog is man’s best friend. This proves they’re not the smartest creatures on earth.

TRAINED CHIHUAHUA

A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla sitting in a tree. So he checks the yellow pages for a gorilla removal service and phones them.
     “Is it a boy or girl gorilla?” the service guy asks.
     “Boy,” is the man’s response.
     “Okay, I can do it. I’ll be right there.”
     An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. He gives the man some instructions: “Now listen carefully! I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then instinctively cross his hands in front of him, allowing you to slap the handcuffs on him.”
     “Got it,” says the man. “But what’s the gun for?”
     The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua!”

SECRET OF LONG LIFE

Two wrinkled women were rocking in their chairs and talking. The first one asked, “What’s the secret of your long life?”
     The second replied, “I’ve never smoked, never touched a drop of alcohol, and had limited contact with strangers. I’ve also chosen my food carefully. I’ll be 95 years old this year. And what about you?”
     “Oh, I’ve smoked three packs a day all my life, drunk a crate of whisky a week, taken part in wild orgies every night, and my meals have basically consisted of pizza and Coke.”
     “Wow! It’s surprising that you’re still alive! How old are you?”
     “I’ll be 25 this year.”

MEAT HOOKS

A gambler walked into a butcher’s shop and told the butcher, “I bet you $500 that you can’t reach the meat hanging from those ceiling hooks!”
     The butcher replied, “I’m not taking that bet.”
     “Why not?”
     “The steaks are too high.”

A KNOCK AT MIDNIGHT

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud knocking on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
     “No,” moaned the man. “Sick!”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Indradeep Giri

A husband writes to his wife:
     Dear ____,
     This month I could not earn much to send you. As a gesture of love I’m sending 100 kisses for you. Hope you can live with that. Take care,
     Your Loving Husband.
     In reply the wife wrote:
     Dear ____,
     Hope you are well. I’m giving you the account of kisses that you sent to me. I gave 20 to the shopkeeper whom I owe. I gave another 15 to my make-up man whom I owe a large sum of money, and another 25 to our grocer. Out of the remaining 40 I gave 15 to the tailor and another 25 to our landlord. Hoping to get some money next month from you. Love you,
     Your Loving Wife.

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

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EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 56

February 20th, 2010

marrowI am a sparrow lover. I wish to know what organization I can contact. Please tender the details.
–Sayak Ghosh, Kamarhatty

Who doesn’t love a tender sparrow? Contact a speciality restaurant. The House Sparrows found in your neighbourhood are the most cosmopolitan of wild birds. Throughout history they have followed humans, and spread around the world. As a sign of our appreciation, we are now killing them. Their population is declining rapidly due to factors like pollution and lack of nesting space. In some places they are considered an endangered species. There’s an organization called the Environs Safe Organization studying their decline in your locality as also Kalyani and Baranagar, trying to develop a rescue plan. ESO carries out various sparrow-watching and artificial nesting activities (though they obviously can’t lay the eggs themselves). Their contacts are at 9874153431 or eso.organization@gmail.com.

This is Ayan Ghatak here, presently reading in class 11. I love astrophysics and want to make a career in it. Please give me some career guidelines and some related books to study. Please provide me with accurate details as far as possible.
–Ayan Ghatak, Madhyamgram

Tony Stark… I mean Ayan, man, did you think I’d give you inaccurate details? For the moment, and even at the undergraduate (B.Sc./B.E./B.Tech.) level, what you need to do is concentrate on physics and mathematics. Generally it’s only at the postgraduate level (when starting your M.Sc./M.Tech./integrated Ph.D.) that you’d begin astronomy courses. Your career options would include being a research scientist, a university professor, a technologist; or entering industry as in astronomical instruments, or programming and data-related jobs. For books and journals, search the web or try online libraries such as of the Indian Institute of Science; although you need not ‘study’ them at this stage.

I need your urgent help. I am a middle-aged technical consultant from South India. I migrated from Maharashtra in search of a job in the sixties and finally settled well in Coimbatore. I have a vast circle of friends in and around India. Many also get in touch with me from Mumbai, Kolkata, Jaisalmer and even from USA, UK. However, I am finding it difficult to answer their continuous flow of e-mails. I wish to take a lonely long long holiday and then resume when I feel fresh. Hence, I wish to remove my notification from Gmail, so that they would not get hurt. Please advise me how to do it.
–Anonymous, Coimbatore

Sometimes the best solution is to get rid of your friends. But to remove Gmail Notifier, if Windows is your operating system, go to ‘Control Panel’, then ‘Add or Remove Programs’, ‘Google Gmail Notifier’ and finally ‘Change/Remove’. If you’re using Mac, drag the ‘Google Notifier’ icon from the ‘Applications’ folder to ‘Trash’. However, your friends might think you were just ignoring their mails, and feel more hurt; or in the worst case arrive in a violent mob and hurt YOU seriously. Rather, consider setting an automatic vacation response to incoming mail. Sign in to your account, go to ‘Settings’, and under ‘General’ select ‘Vacation responder on’, enter a message, then click ‘Save Changes’. I recommend something honest such as ‘This is an automated response. I’m exhausted from answering emails and am taking a holiday, whereafter I shall reply posthaste’ or even ‘With friends like you, who needs torturers?’

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

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MALIGNANT HUMOUR 36

February 20th, 2010

malignanthumour2If you’re a sour old guy, and a sweet young girl gets friendly with you, she may just be after the bulge in your pocket.

$25 WON’T BUY MUCH

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel, a sweet young woman dressed in a short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude!”
     “Harriet, she’s a prostitute!”
     “I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
     “Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
     In their room, George called the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?” Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips. George asked, “How much do you charge?”
     “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!”
     “Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and said, “I just can’t believe it!” George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”
     At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

HEARSAY

During a trial, the judge warns the accused: “You are only allowed to tell us what you have seen, and not what you know from hearsay!”
     The accused replies, “Yes, Your Honour.”
     “Now,” says the judge. “What is you date of birth?”
     The accused remains silent. The judge asks again, “When were you born?”
     “I’m not allowed to tell. I only know that from hearsay!”

HITTING THE BOTTLE

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her five-year-old daughter to answer. It was their local priest.
     The child spoke into the receiver, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

FINE FOR DRINKING

A drunk was in front of a judge.
     The judge said, “You’ve been brought here for drinking!”
     The drunk said, “Okay, let’s get started.”

THUMB IN SOUP

Customer: “Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup!”
     Waiter: “That’s all right, sir. It’s not very hot.”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Indranuj Chatterjee, Kolkata

One day Rabin was travelling in a bus. He was standing, one hand holding the handle and one hand with a bag. When the conductor asked about his ticket, Rabin said that both his hands were engaged, so he could not take out the money for the ticket; but he could do that if the conductor held the handle for the time being.

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

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EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 55

February 12th, 2010

snackbackerWhat is the Gator Tracker in cricket and how does it work?
–Sourav Das, Kandi

Heart rate monitors are probably the silliest of the ‘tracker’ tricks being used to sell cricket (and its sponsors). A player wears a battery-powered transmitter chest strap containing electrodes. As heartbeats are detected it transmits radio signals. The only fun for observers is in praying that certain players’ (or especially umpires’) heart rate drops to zero and we never see them again. The second-silliest is tracking of distances covered. Video data of players on the field is processed by software to calculate the amount of ground traversed. How many people would cheer just because some fast bowler moves around more than a spinner? Next thing you know there’ll be a system to calculate the number of times a player burps (or worse) during the Gatorade drinks break!

I’m a boy and I’m in standard 10 and in the last few months I am not able to concentrate on my studies and have been performing very badly in my exams. Please help. My parents are very irritated with me. They are not talking to me also. I am really feeling very disappointed. Advice on what to do?
–Supratim Ghosh, Jamshedpur

If it’s only in the last few months that this has been happening, then clearly something else happened first to precipitate the situation, which you haven’t told me about. You need to think about that. However, if you’re asking for general advice then apart from the obvious like minimizing distractions and focusing on goals, I would suggest rewarding yourself for set tasks. For example, if you like biscuits (or beer) you might allow yourself to have a few biscuits (or get drunk) after a predetermined number of pages of revision. Or play video games for a few minutes, or whatever you enjoy doing (it’s also more enjoyable if you’ve stayed away for a while). If you discuss it with your parents, they might agree to get you some treats or toys that you really want as reward for your work. If they remain silent, then tell them you are sincerely trying to find ways to study and make them happy. If that doesn’t work (or bring a silent tear to their eye) say you’re going out for a drink with your friends, and I guarantee they will vote with their lips.

Sometimes I do not want anyone to copy my files from my DVD. How can I write a copy-protected DVD so that no one can copy my files by using Nero? If Nero cannot do this which software can do this?
–Anuran Barman

You cannot protect your DVDs in this way by using Nero or any other software. Even Nero the Roman emperor could not have helped you. In fact, he would probably have fiddled while your DVDs were burned. If you don’t want your friends to copy files, lock up your DVDs (or friends) when not in use.

Can you tell me the name of any software that can convert web pages into PDF files?
–Rahul De, Suri

I have no idea how much, if any, money you want to convert into thin air for this, but take a look at pages like adobe.com/products/acrobat, novapdf.com, freedownloadscenter.com, freewarehome.com and freepdfconvert.com; and see if you see anything you like.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

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MALIGNANT HUMOUR 35

February 12th, 2010

malignanthumour2When a dentist says he must perform an extraction, don’t let him see your wallet.

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE DENTIST

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it would cost to have a tooth pulled.
     “Four pounds,” replies the dentist.
     “And how much is it without anaesthetic?”
     “Two pounds.”
     “Do it WITH anaesthetic, please!”
     The dentist administers the anaesthetic and asks the Scotsman to wait outside until it takes effect.
     After ten minutes the dentist looks for the Scotsman, but he has disappeared.
     A few days later the dentist meets a colleague. The colleague tells the following story: “I recently had a patient who had his tooth extracted without anaesthetic, and never flinched! I believe the brave man was a Scotsman.”

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE DENTIST (CHEAPER VERSION)

A Scotsman went to the dentist and asked the cost of an extraction.
     “$85 for an extraction, sir,” was the dentist’s reply.
     “Och huv ye no’ got anythin’ cheaper?”
     “That’s the normal charge for an extraction, sir.”
     “What about if you didn’t use any anaesthetic?” asked the Scotsman.
     “Well it’s highly unusual, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I could do it for $70.”
     “Hm… what about if you used one of your trainee dentists and still without anaesthetic?” continued the Scotsman.
     “Well, it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their professionalism. It would be painful, but I suppose in that case the price could drop to, say, $40,” said the dentist.
     “What if you make it a training session and have one student do the extraction with the other students watching and learning?”
     “It would be good for the students, I suppose,” mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you only $5 in that case…. But it will be traumatic!”
     “Och now yer talkin’!” said the Scotsman. “Can you book the wife in for next Tuesday then?”

AT THE RACES

At the race course, a visitor notices a man who is collecting the horse droppings on the track.
     “What are you going to do with them?” he asks.
     “I’m going to take them home and spread them on the strawberries,” the man replies.
     “That’s odd. We usually put sugar on ours.”

THIEF IN THE KITCHEN

Wife: “Look! A thief has entered our kitchen and now he’s eating the cake I baked!”
     Husband: “Whom should I call, the police or the ambulance?”

OH, BROTHER!

Q. When a girl slips and falls, why won’t her brother help her up?
A. Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

PETROL PUMP

A Sardarji opened a petrol pump, but not a single customer went there. Do know why?
     Because he opened his petrol pump on the second floor.

READER’S JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Ashish Rai

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.–Bill Watterson

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

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EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 54

February 7th, 2010

thegapI am seventy-three, living alone in a senior citizens’ home for the last four months. My wife expired about a couple of years ago and our only child, a daughter, is married and lives with her husband and daughter abroad. I have kept my nearby flat locked. I am an introvert incapable of becoming a gregarious person though I want to. Always feel lonely, anxious and upset. Daughter frequently rings me and I have consulted a psychiatrist but got no relief. Please help.
–T. K. Karanjai, New Delhi

I hope no local thieves read this column and realize your flat is empty. As for the problem of introversion, one solution would be to do some ‘social’ drinking to get you in a gregarious mood. But I wouldn’t really recommend that. It needs to be established whether your problems are mainly psychological or physiological: after that one would know what kind of counselling might help if your current psychiatrist can’t. If you’re living in a senior citizens’ home and still haven’t made a close friend or met like-minded people, then maybe you need to meet more. Ring the toll-free Delhi helpline of HelpAge India (18001801253), and talk to them or visit their office. They will assist in defining the problem and suggest counselling if necessary. They could also put you in touch with your area-based senior citizens’ association, or clubs or organizations where you could attend meetings or talk over the phone or have people visit you, according to preference. They might also arrange for you to visit the residents of other seniors’ homes. Apart from this I wonder if you have mentioned the problem to the home where you are staying. They would be expected to try to solve it: but if they have reprimanded you or chased you away with a club (not the social kind) then it’s all the more reason to seek external help.

Most respectfully, I beg to state that I am a pass-out scholar of M.Phil. in computer science, of regulation-M.Phil. 2007 under Vinayaka Missions University of distance education, Salem, Tamil Nadu, Pin–636308. The exam month and year was July 2008. And I have passed in October 2008. The course duration is one year. I shall be highly obliged if you kindly tell me whether the said university’s M.Phil. in computer science would be valid as well as eligible in government jobs in the state of West Bengal.
–Md. Hasanujjaman, Raiganj

It’s nice of you to be so respectful (though if you knew me better you might not). The Distance Learning Council, Indira Gandhi National Open University, informs me that the distance learning courses of Vinayaka Missions University are approved not only by them but also by the University Grants Commission till 2012 (and there is no reason to believe they–or you–will do anything sufficiently silly to result in revocation of recognition thereafter); and that their degrees are therefore valid. Both the DEC and VMU assure me you can apply for government jobs not only in Bengal but any state. Good luck: and if you manage to land a good job then it’s not just the degree that’s ‘eligible’ but you too when you start thinking about settling down.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

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MALIGNANT HUMOUR 34

February 7th, 2010

malignanthumour2If you’re walking with your wife in the forest, and a bear crosses your path, don’t make the mistake of calling her ‘Honey’!

BEAR FEET

Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear. It sees them and begins to charge.
     One camper turns to flee, but his buddy drop his backpack, takes out his sneakers and starts putting them on.
     The second camper says, “What are you doing? It doesn’t matter what kind of shoes you’re wearing–you can’t outrun a bear!”
     The first camper replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU!”

DYING TO BUY

A blonde enters a shop and asks the salesclerk if she can buy the TV on display in the window.
     The clerk looks at her and says that they don’t serve blondes. So she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
     The next day she returns to the shop and asks the same thing, and again the clerk says they don’t serve blondes. Frustrated, she goes home and dyes her hair red.
     The following day she returns and asks a different clerk the same question. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that they don’t serve blondes.
     The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world did you know I’m a blonde?”
     The clerk replies, “That’s not a TV. It’s a microwave.”

EXTREME EXHAUSTION

A teacher reminded her class of the next day’s final exam. She told them that there would be no excuse for not showing up, barring a serious medical condition or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass male student at the back of the room asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole class burst into laughter.
     When silence was restored, the teacher shook her head and said, “That’s not an excuse. You can write with your other hand.”

MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES

“Your Honour,” said the defendant, “there were mitigating circumstances. At the time of the crime, I was without a fixed place of residence. I did not have anything to eat, and I had no friends.”
     “I have already taken all this into consideration,” the judge replied. “You are to have a fixed place of residence for the next three years. You will also have a regular supply of food, as well as a number of close friends.”

BIGAMY DOESN’T PAY

Q. What is the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Janhabi Mukherjee, Kolkata

A Sardarji walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. He wants a haircut, but is adamant about the fact that he won’t take off his headphones, even though the barber warns him that the cut won’t be perfect. After trying to explain to him for a long time, the barber finally gives up and begins. After a while, the Sardarji falls asleep…. Realizing his opportunity, the barber pulls off the headphones. Immediately the Sardarji starts gasping frantically for air, and then falls down, dead. No one can figure out the cause of his death, when on an impulse the barber picks up his headphones and puts them on. He hears a recorded voice calmly saying:
     “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out….”

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Posted in Malignant Humour 2010 | No Comments »

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