EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ... BUT WISH YOU HADN'T ASKED by an Indo-German newspaper columnist

I am seventy-three, living alone in a senior citizens’ home for the last four months. My wife expired about a couple of years ago and our only child, a daughter, is married and lives with her husband and daughter abroad. I have kept my nearby flat locked. I am an introvert incapable of becoming a gregarious person though I want to. Always feel lonely, anxious and upset. Daughter frequently rings me and I have consulted a psychiatrist but got no relief. Please help.
–T. K. Karanjai, New Delhi

I hope no local thieves read this column and realize your flat is empty. As for the problem of introversion, one solution would be to do some ‘social’ drinking to get you in a gregarious mood. But I wouldn’t really recommend that. It needs to be established whether your problems are mainly psychological or physiological: after that one would know what kind of counselling might help if your current psychiatrist can’t. If you’re living in a senior citizens’ home and still haven’t made a close friend or met like-minded people, then maybe you need to meet more. Ring the toll-free Delhi helpline of HelpAge India (18001801253), and talk to them or visit their office. They will assist in defining the problem and suggest counselling if necessary. They could also put you in touch with your area-based senior citizens’ association, or clubs or organizations where you could attend meetings or talk over the phone or have people visit you, according to preference. They might also arrange for you to visit the residents of other seniors’ homes. Apart from this I wonder if you have mentioned the problem to the home where you are staying. They would be expected to try to solve it: but if they have reprimanded you or chased you away with a club (not the social kind) then it’s all the more reason to seek external help.

Most respectfully, I beg to state that I am a pass-out scholar of M.Phil. in computer science, of regulation-M.Phil. 2007 under Vinayaka Missions University of distance education, Salem, Tamil Nadu, Pin–636308. The exam month and year was July 2008. And I have passed in October 2008. The course duration is one year. I shall be highly obliged if you kindly tell me whether the said university’s M.Phil. in computer science would be valid as well as eligible in government jobs in the state of West Bengal.
–Md. Hasanujjaman, Raiganj

It’s nice of you to be so respectful (though if you knew me better you might not). The Distance Learning Council, Indira Gandhi National Open University, informs me that the distance learning courses of Vinayaka Missions University are approved not only by them but also by the University Grants Commission till 2012 (and there is no reason to believe they–or you–will do anything sufficiently silly to result in revocation of recognition thereafter); and that their degrees are therefore valid. Both the DEC and VMU assure me you can apply for government jobs not only in Bengal but any state. Good luck: and if you manage to land a good job then it’s not just the degree that’s ‘eligible’ but you too when you start thinking about settling down.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

My parents are quarrelling with each other over a slight matter. They have no intention to compromise. So, my life becomes miserable because of their daily quarrelling. Please give me a suggestion.
–Sandip Maji, Asansol

It’s important to remember their quarrelling is not your fault, and that they’re the ones behaving like silly children–not you (I hope). And like children, they probably don’t mean most of the nasty things they might say. Try to go to your room or get away, if possible, till they’re done squabbling. Also, have you explained to them, and do they understand, that their quarrelling has been making you feel bad? If they did, I am sure they would at least attempt to make changes in their behaviour (such as retreating to THEIR room for a leisurely quarrel when they felt like one). If it’s not easy for you to articulate your thoughts and feelings to them, try writing a letter explaining everything, and give it to them (if they can shut their mouths and open their eyes for a moment) to read.

What is the name of the son of Gotten in the cartoon Dragon Ball Z? Please post a picture of him.
–Arijit Mudi, Kolkata

This ill-gotten son of Goku is actually called Goten. Goten has no son of his own, although a parasitic villain named Baby does at one stage invade his body and deposit an egg therein to control him. I think you may be mixing up Goten with his father, the main character of the series, to whom he bears a strong resemblance; or his brother Gohan, whose daughter is Pan. Or if you mean Goten City where you think Batman hangs out, then you’ve done an even worse job with the spelling.

Dear Indo-German newspaper columnist; ever since I attended a mediocre liberal arts school in the northeastern United States, I have been haunted by stories told to me by a young Indian fellow who claimed that he was a good prince in hiding from an evil ruler of some sort from an obscure part of India. I wake up in the night with cold sweats, still worried about his safety. Sometimes, though, I wonder if I am simply mixing up my memories with the Harry Potter series. Can you help me?
–Curious in Connecticut

Dear Clueless in Connecticut; rest assured that such stories are told with the sole goal of gaining asylum in the beds of gullible girls (who need not wake up with cold sweats or even tepid trepidation). For those who have been reading too much Harry Potter, the intent might alternatively be described as ‘Rowling in the hay’ while the sun shines or where it don’t. Look out for lightning-bolt scars that come off with water, or juvenile wizards that suddenly appear nude on the stage! However, if the cold sweats continue, they may be symptomatic of something more serious. Next time make sure that you’re not having a heart attack, going into anaphylactic shock, or suffering from some undiagnosed illness; nor that menopause is approaching. If it’s the latter, then you might consider replacement therapy for all those hormones you had in college. Or turn back the clock and do a bit of exercise.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

My best friend’s girlfriend ditched him recently. He is very upset and depressed and is taking sleeping pills at night without telling his parents. Though I’m forbidding him to do so, he is not listening to my words. What can I do? Please help me.
–Oindrila Ghosh, Kolkata

Sleeping pills have side effects. However, at least they’re not life-threatening unless taken in large doses, or in combination with substances like alcohol which increase their absorption. If he’s taking them to sleep for the night, and not for eternity, then it’s not quite so bad. Consider reporting his pill intake to someone who could stop him. Instead of pretending everything is fine, say you realize he’s feeling miserable, but remind him that just about everyone goes through this and recovers–and that his other friends and family are always there when he needs them. Allow him to ‘cry himself out’, but also encourage him to exercise or find some activities to keep his mind and body busy. You might want to tell stories about his ex-girlfriend which he doesn’t know or remember: such as that she often does stupid things or picks her nose, etc. Tell him he deserves someone better than her. But whether that better person should be yourself is something I can’t comment on.

My daughter is five-and-a-half years old and is a student of class 1 in an English medium school. She is very interested in drawing. She has already done well in the Sit and Draw competition in her age group. Could you suggest some books or web sites or magazines that can help her in upgrading her skill in colour composition and drawing ability? Could you also please tell me some books or magazines or web sites that can help her to improve her problem solving ability and command over language?
–Debasish Chakraborty

You can learn drawing and colouring techniques at sites like drawspace.com. For more, try the book How to Teach Art to Children by Tanya Skelton. For language and problem-solving skills, a helpful guide to educational sites is refdesk.com/kids.html. Apart from this, it’s good to encourage children to read ANYTHING. Get her the books that interest HER, not the boring ones you feel she should be forced to read. For example, if you think comics are stupid but she likes them, then your fogeyish opinions must be ignored. And if you can introduce her to interesting ‘educational’ shows of the Sesame Street variety, so much the better.

I understand that your column can tell me everything I wanted to know, but why do I have to wish that I had never asked?
–Janhabi Mukherjee, Kolkata

Because I’m quite likely to make fun of you. For example: couldn’t you think of a better question? Don’t you have a sufficient sense of humour to see that the title is a spoof on all the ‘Everything You Wanted To Know…’ articles and essays that keep appearing everywhere? Surely you’ve heard of the famous sex manual by Dr. David Reuben, published in 1969 (somehow an appropriate date), called Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask)? Or the comedy of the same name by Woody Allen (whose first name is equally appropriate)? Now, don’t you wish you hadn’t asked? Well, okay, actually your question does make sense, and I hope it’s been answered now.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

Which is the largest meteorite found on earth?
–Samudra Das, Kolkata

The largest known surviving meteorite weighs about 60,000 kg, and is located in northern Namibia where it fell about 80,000 years ago. It’s called the Hoba meteorite, after the farm where it lies, and consists mainly of iron; but created no impact crater, which people have been unable to satisfactorily explain to this day. It’s a cuboid, shaped roughly like the mysterious monoliths that appear in the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, although it lies flat on its back–and yet has been named a Namibian National Monument. I’m not sure what this tells us about the state of that nation’s economy or culture.

Nowadays the banks are requesting their customers to fill in their details in the format Know Your Customer (KYC) and one of the banks asks for a Senior Citizen’s Card, as proof of their identity amongst other requirements. Could you tell me from where these cards are issued and who is the authority for issuing these cards?
–John B. Gomes, Kolkata

The state government would be the authority. However, the West Bengal government has no policy at all on senior citizens’ cards (though I’m reasonably certain it does have policies in other matters), such as of authorizing NGOs to issue the cards which some other states’ governments do have. The bank would have to accept another government-issued document. For example, HDFC Bank would accept a PAN card, voter card or driver’s licence (but not a KFC coupon) as proof of age. More importantly, I’m sure a liquor shop would accept these too.

I am having trouble solving some IIT-JEE physics numerical problems. I am not getting coaching anywhere. On which web site shall I find those solutions? Please suggest some tips to crack the IIT-JEE successfully.
–Koushik Mudi, Malda

If the solutions or methods aren’t already on the net, try asking your questions on sites like targetiit.com or goiit.com. For your study, choose recommended texts that include plenty of solved problems. Study all areas in each subject but give extra time to the more important ones such as (in physics) heat, thermodynamics, electrostatics and modern physics. When writing the exam, look for questions that you can easily answer, and do those first. (Often, easy questions appear toward the end of the paper.) In conclusion, if you really want to ‘crack’ the Joint Entrance Exam then you have to be a bit ‘cracked’ and sacrifice a lot of fun for the next few months or years, depending on when you plan to take it. But of course, once all the hard work is over it will have been worth it (I hope). I wish you good luck and happy suffering!

I am a student of the twelfth standard. Can you please tell me the colleges/universities in India that provide integrated M.Sc./M.Tech. courses in computer science(except the IITs)?
–Souvik Biswas, Kalyani

In the twelfth standard and already worrying about a postgraduate degree? You’re even worse than Koushik (quem vide)! Well, you can get useful lists, including contact details, at indiastudychannel.com/courses or career.webindia123.com/career/institutes/index.asp. And you can find an even more useful list of excuses for not studying at www.bored.com/excuselist.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

Paris’ ancient ‘rose line’ was the world’s first prime meridian, as given in The Da Vinci Code. Then why, when, and by whom was it later shifted to Greenwich?
–Heba Ahmed, Kolkata

It was shifted by Tom Hanks because he was late for a shoot and needed an extra hour. No, actually the Greenwich line had become the most popular among several competing reference meridians (not just the Rose Line) of the time, and was being used on more maps: in 1884 the International Meridian Conference was held in Washington, DC, to select one of them and end the confusion which was beginning to resemble a Dan Brown novel. 22 of 25 nations voted to make Greenwich the official ‘initial meridian for longitude’. The French abstained, continuing to use their old meridian till 1911, the year in which India also shifted its capital north-westward: from Calcutta to Delhi. I’m convinced there was a conspiracy.

How to be a topper in IIT-JEE? Is a computer/laptop (i.e. Net) needed to do so? If yes, please recommend a good all-rounder but a cheap one.
–Karna Kitab Kumar, Mumbai

There is no substitute for studying the recommended books. Coaching can also help. (So can cheating, but don’t try it!) Using computers and the Internet isn’t essential, though it could supplement your learning. Educational software is available to better explain certain concepts, such as three-dimensional models of molecules. The main benefit of the Internet, especially if you can’t afford coaching classes, is that you would find sites which offer free training, and discussion with IITians including professors. Previous question papers and practice papers would also be found. Solutions to specific problems could be requested. As for cheap computers: you’ll need a minimum configuration to get normal broadband speed. Go for an assembled desktop: something like an Intel Atom Processor with 1GB RAM and 160 GB HD drive plus CRT monitor with keyboard, etc.: you’ll get this for roughly Rs. 10,000 to Rs. 12,000. If you’re okay with a second-hand monitor and system, then it might cost Rs. 3,000 to Rs. 5,000. If you want to acquire a still cheaper one, then I suggest an abacus.

I have recently visited a web site called deathnote.com. On that web site there was an option to see your death by just putting your name, birth date, age, weight, height etc. I filled in all the criteria and the result was that I would be dying in 2011. Then when I scrolled down the result page I saw that it was written how I could extent my lifespan i.e. by eating such and such food. My question is whether these sites are true and if I am going to die in 2011 or the sites are totally fraudulent and are made to cheat people?
–Piyali Das Gupta, Kolkata

There’s only one way for you to stay alive after 2011, and that would be by giving me your bank account details and also sending Rs. 1,000,000 to me immediately. Apart from myself, do not trust any other source or web site that predicts your date of death. Needless to say, those who create such sites don’t have much of a life themselves (and would be least disturbed at discovering their own death date). Or they might merely be talking about the (fictional!) manga series Death Note.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com