ZIMBABWEAN MILLIONAIRES ARE STARVING
May 10th, 2008(In Hindsight 19/May 6-10, 2008)
Zimbabwe used to be known as the breadbasket of Africa. These days it is considered a basket case. It’s a very poor country, despite the fact that nearly everyone’s a multi-millionaire.
Unfortunately there’s not much you can do with a million Zimbabwean dollars because the inflation rate is about 165,000 per cent. It’s not even enough for a loaf of bread, let alone a basket.
Yet Robert Mugabe’s government has found an impressive solution to the problem. They just keep printing Zimbabwean dollars until there are enough to buy anything they want, including American dollars at the ‘official’ rate. Of course, by the time it reaches common citizens THEY can’t always get what they want. Unless they’re dying for crumb cake.
President Mugabe is most famous for two things. Firstly, he was a freedom fighter who fought bravely to gain liberty for his country. Secondly, he has fought even harder to take liberty away from his fellow Zimbabweans.
Mugabe came to power in 1980, following a campaign of threats and violence. These have expectedly increased since then, and he is accused of conducting a ‘reign of terror’. Combined with a reign of errors in economics, it ensures Zimbabwe remains a low-cholesterol country. Its life expectancy is among the least on earth.
Since 2000 the President’s men have seized most white-owned farmland. Now it was Deng Xiaoping who once declared, “It doesn’t matter if a cat is black or white, so long as it catches mice.” Similarly you could say it shouldn’t matter where a farmer was bred, so long as he grows bread. However, the only thing that’s growing in Zimbabwe these days is Mugabe’s Hitler-style moustache.
Mugabe has said that, circumstances dictating, he would like to “be a Hitler tenfold”. His toothbrush moustache is narrower than Hitler’s, perhaps reflecting that he’s more narrow-minded. His land-reform policy has failed because he gave farmland to his cronies and people without resources to use it. Coincidence dictating, his family now owns several large farms.
Many people thought this tenfold-Hitler’s regime would never fold up. They were pleasantly surprised when, after the March elections, officials admitted Mugabe’s party had lost control of parliament and he was trailing in the presidential poll. Had the man turned over a new loaf, I mean, leaf? But then the delaying tactics started.
By Zimbabwe’s election law any second round of voting must take place within three weeks. But it took nearly five weeks just for the first-round results to be announced. As expected they claimed the opposition was short of a majority; and there would have to be a ‘runoff’ election.
What’s the real purpose of this runoff? To make his opponents run off, obviously. The level of violence and intimidation has further increased since March, to ensure their absence next time. But let’s look on the bright side: these desperate measures suggest Mugabe’s zany ZANU-PF party no longer has the power to rig elections; and all they can do is beat and kill people. That’s a slightly happier situation.
The government has also promised (again) to amend its economic policies and beat hyperinflation. Zimbabwe’s Reserve Bank governor, Mr. Gideon Gono, has vowed, “This dragon cannot be allowed to continue and we will deal a decisive blow to its existence!” Let’s hope his words turn out to be unwittingly prophetic in that they apply to Mugabe as well.
