IN HINDSIGHT   by an Indo-German newspaper columnist

HAMMER THROW

At the Summer Olympics an American, a Russian and a Mexican were competing in the hammer throw event.
     The American stepped up first, and managed a throw of 85 metres. There was loud applause, and the journalists asked him how he did it.
     “My father was a lumberjack, and so was his father,” replied the American. “All of us have strong arms!”
     The Russian was next, and achieved a throw of 86 metres. There was even louder applause, and the journalists rushed to ask how he had done it.
     “My father was a miner, and so was his father. We have calm nerves!”
     Then it was the Mexican’s turn. He turned, swung the hammer and sent it to a distance of 87 metres. It was a new world record! The crown went wild, and the journalists practically mobbed him, demanding to know his secret.
     “Well,” said the Mexican. “My father was unemployed, and so was his father. And they always said to me, ‘If anyone ever gives you a hammer, son, throw dat fukin’ thing as far away as you can!’”

COPS ARE HUMAN

A totally drunk man staggered across the car park in front of a bar. He started putting his hand on all the car roofs. A passerby caught him doing this.
     “What the heck are you doing?” he called out.
     “I’m looking for my car,” the drunk mumbled back.
     “But what are you checking the roofs for? They’re all the same!”
     “No, mine has a light on top!”

FIRST FLIGHT

A baby mosquito came back after his first flight.
     His dad asked, “How do you feel?”
     He said, “It was wonderful… everyone was clapping for me!”

PERFECT COUPLE

The world’s most perfectly handsome man decided he had the God-given responsibility to find the perfect woman, marry her, and producing the most perfect child of all time. After a long search he met a farmer who had three stunningly gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the farmer, asking for permission to marry one of them.
     The farmer simply replied, “They’re all lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ’em over and pick the one you want!”
     The man dated the first daughter. The next day the farmer asked for his opinion.
     “Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeee bit–not that you can hardly notice… pigeon-toed.”
     The farmer nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter. The next day, the farmer again asked how things went.
     “Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit–not that you can hardly tell… cross-eyed.”
     The farmer suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming, “She’s perfect! Just perfect! She’s the one I want to marry!”
     So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
     When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic one he had ever seen. He rushed back to his father-in-law asking how such a thing could have happened considering the beauty of the parents.
     “Well,” explained the farmer, “she was just a weeeee bit–not that you could hardly tell… pregnant when you met her.”

CAREER IN CRIME
fom Mangesh Nabar

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They may put you in chains and lock you up in a tiny cell, but they can never take away the thoughts of freedom in your mind. That’s what makes it worse.

YEARS OF SOLUTUDE

Three convicts were on their way to prison for a long time. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
     On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the ‘Grandma Moses of Jail’. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”
     The first convict pulled out a pack of cards and said, “I brought cards. I can play solitaire, poker, gin, and any number of games.”
     The third convict was sitting quietly, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
     The guy pulled out a box of tampons. He said, “I brought these.”
     The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”
     “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating, …”

WEALTHY WIDOWER

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her charm and who hangs on to Bob’s arm listening intently to his every word.
     His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They are bowled over, but continue to question him. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replies. They ask, “What did you do, tell her you were only 50?”
     Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

ROTTEN EGG

Customer: “Waiter, this egg isn’t fresh!”
     Waiter: “Don’t look at me, sir. I only laid the table.”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Mangesh Nabar

A new supermarket has opened in Double Bay, Sydney, Australia.
     It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
     When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
     In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.
     In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith’s beer.
     When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
     The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.
     Of course, I do not buy toilet paper there any more!

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

A dog is man’s best friend. This proves they’re not the smartest creatures on earth.

TRAINED CHIHUAHUA

A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla sitting in a tree. So he checks the yellow pages for a gorilla removal service and phones them.
     “Is it a boy or girl gorilla?” the service guy asks.
     “Boy,” is the man’s response.
     “Okay, I can do it. I’ll be right there.”
     An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. He gives the man some instructions: “Now listen carefully! I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then instinctively cross his hands in front of him, allowing you to slap the handcuffs on him.”
     “Got it,” says the man. “But what’s the gun for?”
     The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua!”

SECRET OF LONG LIFE

Two wrinkled women were rocking in their chairs and talking. The first one asked, “What’s the secret of your long life?”
     The second replied, “I’ve never smoked, never touched a drop of alcohol, and had limited contact with strangers. I’ve also chosen my food carefully. I’ll be 95 years old this year. And what about you?”
     “Oh, I’ve smoked three packs a day all my life, drunk a crate of whisky a week, taken part in wild orgies every night, and my meals have basically consisted of pizza and Coke.”
     “Wow! It’s surprising that you’re still alive! How old are you?”
     “I’ll be 25 this year.”

MEAT HOOKS

A gambler walked into a butcher’s shop and told the butcher, “I bet you $500 that you can’t reach the meat hanging from those ceiling hooks!”
     The butcher replied, “I’m not taking that bet.”
     “Why not?”
     “The steaks are too high.”

A KNOCK AT MIDNIGHT

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud knocking on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
     “No,” moaned the man. “Sick!”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Indradeep Giri

A husband writes to his wife:
     Dear ____,
     This month I could not earn much to send you. As a gesture of love I’m sending 100 kisses for you. Hope you can live with that. Take care,
     Your Loving Husband.
     In reply the wife wrote:
     Dear ____,
     Hope you are well. I’m giving you the account of kisses that you sent to me. I gave 20 to the shopkeeper whom I owe. I gave another 15 to my make-up man whom I owe a large sum of money, and another 25 to our grocer. Out of the remaining 40 I gave 15 to the tailor and another 25 to our landlord. Hoping to get some money next month from you. Love you,
     Your Loving Wife.

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If you’re a sour old guy, and a sweet young girl gets friendly with you, she may just be after the bulge in your pocket.

$25 WON’T BUY MUCH

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their twenty-fifth wedding anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel, a sweet young woman dressed in a short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, “George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude!”
     “Harriet, she’s a prostitute!”
     “I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
     “Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
     In their room, George called the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, okay?” Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips. George asked, “How much do you charge?”
     “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price!”
     “Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom and said, “I just can’t believe it!” George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat dinner.”
     At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”

HEARSAY

During a trial, the judge warns the accused: “You are only allowed to tell us what you have seen, and not what you know from hearsay!”
     The accused replies, “Yes, Your Honour.”
     “Now,” says the judge. “What is you date of birth?”
     The accused remains silent. The judge asks again, “When were you born?”
     “I’m not allowed to tell. I only know that from hearsay!”

HITTING THE BOTTLE

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her five-year-old daughter to answer. It was their local priest.
     The child spoke into the receiver, “Mommy can’t come to the phone right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”

FINE FOR DRINKING

A drunk was in front of a judge.
     The judge said, “You’ve been brought here for drinking!”
     The drunk said, “Okay, let’s get started.”

THUMB IN SOUP

Customer: “Waiter, your thumb’s in my soup!”
     Waiter: “That’s all right, sir. It’s not very hot.”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Indranuj Chatterjee, Kolkata

One day Rabin was travelling in a bus. He was standing, one hand holding the handle and one hand with a bag. When the conductor asked about his ticket, Rabin said that both his hands were engaged, so he could not take out the money for the ticket; but he could do that if the conductor held the handle for the time being.

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

When a dentist says he must perform an extraction, don’t let him see your wallet.

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE DENTIST

A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it would cost to have a tooth pulled.
     “Four pounds,” replies the dentist.
     “And how much is it without anaesthetic?”
     “Two pounds.”
     “Do it WITH anaesthetic, please!”
     The dentist administers the anaesthetic and asks the Scotsman to wait outside until it takes effect.
     After ten minutes the dentist looks for the Scotsman, but he has disappeared.
     A few days later the dentist meets a colleague. The colleague tells the following story: “I recently had a patient who had his tooth extracted without anaesthetic, and never flinched! I believe the brave man was a Scotsman.”

THE SCOTSMAN AND THE DENTIST (CHEAPER VERSION)

A Scotsman went to the dentist and asked the cost of an extraction.
     “$85 for an extraction, sir,” was the dentist’s reply.
     “Och huv ye no’ got anythin’ cheaper?”
     “That’s the normal charge for an extraction, sir.”
     “What about if you didn’t use any anaesthetic?” asked the Scotsman.
     “Well it’s highly unusual, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I could do it for $70.”
     “Hm… what about if you used one of your trainee dentists and still without anaesthetic?” continued the Scotsman.
     “Well, it’s possible, but they are only training and I can’t guarantee their professionalism. It would be painful, but I suppose in that case the price could drop to, say, $40,” said the dentist.
     “What if you make it a training session and have one student do the extraction with the other students watching and learning?”
     “It would be good for the students, I suppose,” mulled the dentist. “I’ll charge you only $5 in that case…. But it will be traumatic!”
     “Och now yer talkin’!” said the Scotsman. “Can you book the wife in for next Tuesday then?”

AT THE RACES

At the race course, a visitor notices a man who is collecting the horse droppings on the track.
     “What are you going to do with them?” he asks.
     “I’m going to take them home and spread them on the strawberries,” the man replies.
     “That’s odd. We usually put sugar on ours.”

THIEF IN THE KITCHEN

Wife: “Look! A thief has entered our kitchen and now he’s eating the cake I baked!”
     Husband: “Whom should I call, the police or the ambulance?”

OH, BROTHER!

Q. When a girl slips and falls, why won’t her brother help her up?
A. Because he can’t be a brother and assist her too.

PETROL PUMP

A Sardarji opened a petrol pump, but not a single customer went there. Do know why?
     Because he opened his petrol pump on the second floor.

READER’S JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Ashish Rai

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.–Bill Watterson

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

If you’re walking with your wife in the forest, and a bear crosses your path, don’t make the mistake of calling her ‘Honey’!

BEAR FEET

Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear. It sees them and begins to charge.
     One camper turns to flee, but his buddy drop his backpack, takes out his sneakers and starts putting them on.
     The second camper says, “What are you doing? It doesn’t matter what kind of shoes you’re wearing–you can’t outrun a bear!”
     The first camper replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU!”

DYING TO BUY

A blonde enters a shop and asks the salesclerk if she can buy the TV on display in the window.
     The clerk looks at her and says that they don’t serve blondes. So she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
     The next day she returns to the shop and asks the same thing, and again the clerk says they don’t serve blondes. Frustrated, she goes home and dyes her hair red.
     The following day she returns and asks a different clerk the same question. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that they don’t serve blondes.
     The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world did you know I’m a blonde?”
     The clerk replies, “That’s not a TV. It’s a microwave.”

EXTREME EXHAUSTION

A teacher reminded her class of the next day’s final exam. She told them that there would be no excuse for not showing up, barring a serious medical condition or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass male student at the back of the room asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole class burst into laughter.
     When silence was restored, the teacher shook her head and said, “That’s not an excuse. You can write with your other hand.”

MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES

“Your Honour,” said the defendant, “there were mitigating circumstances. At the time of the crime, I was without a fixed place of residence. I did not have anything to eat, and I had no friends.”
     “I have already taken all this into consideration,” the judge replied. “You are to have a fixed place of residence for the next three years. You will also have a regular supply of food, as well as a number of close friends.”

BIGAMY DOESN’T PAY

Q. What is the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Janhabi Mukherjee, Kolkata

A Sardarji walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. He wants a haircut, but is adamant about the fact that he won’t take off his headphones, even though the barber warns him that the cut won’t be perfect. After trying to explain to him for a long time, the barber finally gives up and begins. After a while, the Sardarji falls asleep…. Realizing his opportunity, the barber pulls off the headphones. Immediately the Sardarji starts gasping frantically for air, and then falls down, dead. No one can figure out the cause of his death, when on an impulse the barber picks up his headphones and puts them on. He hears a recorded voice calmly saying:
     “Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out….”

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

You can’t really say America’s health care system is in better shape than India’s. Because ours is in no shape at all.

BAD NEWS

After her husband’s checkup, a woman was called into the doctor’s office. The doctor told her, “Your husband has a serious disease. There are several things you’ll have to do for him, or he will surely die.”
     “What do I have to do?” asked the wife.
     “Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant to him. Make him a nutritious lunch for work, and an especially nice meal for his dinner. Don’t give him chores, or that will increase his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him either. Try to relax him in the evenings by giving him back rubs. Let him watch his favourite sports on TV. And most importantly, satisfy his every whim. If you do these things for the next 10 to 12 months, I think he’ll pull through.”
     On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor had told her.
     She answered, “He said that you’re going to die.”

BAD STUTTER

A big muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
     The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.
     The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
     Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him.
     The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
     And the clerk just seems to ignore him.
     Finally, the guy storms off in anger.
     The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, “Why didn’t you answer that poor guy’s question?”
     The clerk replies, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?”

CAREFUL CRAFTSMEN

A tourist visits a temple in Thailand. The tour guide shows him around and informs him, “It took four years of work just to paint the ceiling!”
     “Tell me about it!” the tourist says sympathetically. “We had the same problem with the painters when they did our house.”

SLIP THROUGH

David James, the Portsmouth and England goalkeeper, is so distraught after his latest blunder that he decides to end it all. He walks straight out of Wembley Stadium and throws himself in front of a bus. Luckily, it passes under him.

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Hans Well

A promising candidate was interviewed for a job, and later invited for dinner at the boss’s palatial home.
     The boss offered him a drink. The candidate accepted it and asked, “And what about you, sir?”
     “I don’t drink,” replied the boss. “I tried it once; didn’t like it; never did it again!”
     Later the candidate was offered a cigarette. Again he asked, “But what about you, sir?”
     “I don’t smoke. Tried it once; didn’t like it; never did it again.”
     After some more time they were joined by a young man. The boss said, “Allow me to introduce my son!”
     The candidate said, “Your only son, I presume?”

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

Last impressions matter too. The corpse is usually the best-dressed one at his funeral.

BURIED IN BLUE

A widow took a look at her dear departed one just before his funeral and, to her horror, found that he was dressed in his brown suit. She had specifically told the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his best blue suit, which she had brought especially for that occasion; and was distressed that he had been left in the same brown suit he’d been wearing when the truck struck him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit. The undertaker said, “But madam! It’s only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can’t possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time!”
     The lady said, “Who’s paying for this? Do whatever it takes!” So the very reluctant undertaker wheeled the coffin out. A few moments later, he wheeled it right back in. Miraculously, the corpse was in a blue suit.
     After the ceremony, a well-satisfied widow complimented the undertaker on the smooth and speedy service. She wanted to know how he’d been able to get her husband changed so fast. The funeral director said, “Oh, there simply wasn’t enough time. It happened that there was another body in the back room and he was already dressed in a blue suit. There was only one thing I could do: I had to switch heads.”

FOLLOWING A STAR

A rock star is stopped by a man in the street, who says, “Oh, is it really you? For months I’ve been following all your concerts. They’ve been rather poorly attended, right?”
     “Not at all! They’ve all been sold out!” replies the star.
     “But your last album didn’t sell very well, did it?”
     “On the contrary! It sold over a million copies! But as a fan of mine, why are you asking such strange questions?”
     “Fan?” says the man. “No, I’ve been reviewing your returns at the income tax office.”

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income fivefold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls, and their children’s souls burn in hell for eternity.”
     The lawyer thought for a moment, and finally asked, “What’s the catch?”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Mita Sen

On a ship, many people were standing. Suddenly a small girl fell down into the water. Everybody was shocked, but nobody tried to save the girl. Then, wearing a suit, a Sardarji jumped into the water. The Sardarji easily saved the girl. The people who were watching appreciated the Sardarji, and some of them put garlands on his neck. They arranged a party to welcome him. Most of them asked the Sardarji to say something. Then the Sardarji said, “What shall I say? I want to know who was the man who pushed me!”

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

Always think twice before you speak. And then, if possible, keep silent.

TRAP SHUT

In a Trappist monastery, there was a rule that only one monk could speak every five years, and this was explained to a young novice when he joined the order. The next morning at breakfast one of the monks said, “I think the porridge is too sweet.”
     Five years passed and it was another monk’s turn. He said: “I don’t think the porridge is sweet enough.”
     Another five years passed, and it was the novice’s turn to speak. He said: “I’m going. I’ve heard nothing but arguments since I got here.”

A BEAR’S PRAYER

A pastor was hiking in the woods when he came across a huge grizzly bear. The bear stood up on its hind legs and growled ferociously, preparing to charge.
     The pastor started to run, but came to a cliff and could flee no further. So he dropped to his knees and prayed, “Oh Lord, protect me! Please make this bear a good Christian bear!”
     To his amazement, the bear suddenly stopped growling, fell to its knees and folded its paws together in prayer. It said:
     “For what we are about to receive…”

MAJOR QUESTIONS

The science graduate asks, “Why does it work?”
     The engineering graduate asks, “How does it work?”
     The accounting graduate asks, “How much does it cost?”
     The liberal arts graduate asks, “Would you like fries with that?”

MEXICAN OLYMPIC TEAM

Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have a good Olympic team?
A. Because the ones that can run, swim, and jump are all in America!

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Ankana

One fat guy goes to a popular gym and sees an ad for a new gym guaranteeing to reduce anyone’s weight by 5, 10 or 20 kilograms on the first day. So he goes and tells them he wants to lose 5 kg. They lead him into a huge gym with all kinds of ropes and parallel bars and ladders and tell him to wait a minute. He’s standing there when on the far side of the gym a door opens and out steps a beautiful girl, with a sign saying:
     ‘If you catch me, I’m yours.’
     He starts running, and just as he gets close, she starts picking up speed. Before he knows it, he’s running all over the gym, up the ladders, down the ladders, across the parallel bars, here and there. And just as he’s about to catch the blonde, pop, she disappears through a door. In comes the management who lead him to the showers, and then weigh him. Sure enough, he lost exactly 5 kg. He’s back on the street and starts to think, “Jesus, I was so close to catching her. If I had a little more time…” So he races back to the gym and says, “I want to lose 20 kg more.” “No problem,” says the manager. Again he is led to the large gym. This time he’s standing by the door when it opens. Out comes a gorilla with a sign:
     ‘If I catch you, you’re mine.’

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

If you have a pet duck, and the duck falls seriously ill, make sure your veterinarian is not a quack.

DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry–your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
     The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean you haven’t done any tests on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.”
     The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
     The vet patted the dog on the head and led it from the room, returning a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. It then sat back, shook its head, meowed softly and departed the room.
     The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably a dead duck.” He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
     The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!” she cried. “A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead!”
     The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20. But with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now £150.”

SHAMPOO

Paddy is in the bath. He shouts to Murphy, “Have you got any shampoo?”
     Murphy shouts back, “Yeah, it’s by the sink!”
     Paddy shouts, “I can’t use that–it says it’s ‘for dry hair’ and I’ve just wet mine!”

GROCERY BAG

Q. What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A. One is white, made out of plastic, and dangerous for children to play with; and the other you carry your groceries in.

PET ZEBRA

Q. What did the blonde call her pet zebra?
A. Spot.

POWER CUT

Two days of power cut in Delhi had made life miserable.
     Worst affected was the Delhi metro station where a Sardarji family was stuck for 48 hours on an escalator.

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Gauri Sankar Mukherjee, DelhiOn the way towards Parliament, one of the journalists requested Laluji to say something on the reorganization of states of India in the context of Nitish Kumar’s comment that Purvanchal be added to the present Bihar state.
     In reply Laluji stared at the journalist and said “Today I am going to place a demand in the Parliament that all the segments of Bihars scattered around Delhi such as Mayur Bihar, Ashoke Bihar, Anand Bihar, Sant Bihar etc. must be integrated with the Bihar state to make a Greater Bihar.”

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com