IN HINDSIGHT   by an Indo-German newspaper columnist

DEAD DUCK

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary clinic. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry–your duck, Cuddles, has passed away.”
     The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure? I mean you haven’t done any tests on him or anything. He might be in a coma or something.”
     The vet rolled his eyes, shrugged, turned and left the room, returning a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the bird’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
     The vet patted the dog on the head and led it from the room, returning a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up and delicately sniffed the bird. It then sat back, shook its head, meowed softly and departed the room.
     The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 per cent certifiably a dead duck.” He turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman.
     The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS!” she cried. “A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POUNDS just to tell me my bird is dead!”
     The vet shrugged. “If you’d taken my word for it the bill would only have been £20. But with the lab report and the cat scan, it’s now £150.”

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MAJOR QUESTIONS

The science graduate asks, “Why does it work?”
     The engineering graduate asks, “How does it work?”
     The accounting graduate asks, “How much does it cost?”
     The liberal arts graduate asks, “Would you like fries with that?”

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THIEF IN THE KITCHEN

Wife: “Look! A thief has entered our kitchen and now he’s eating the cake I baked!”
     Husband: “Whom should I call, the police or the ambulance?”

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SHAMPOO

Paddy is in the bath. He shouts to Murphy, “Have you got any shampoo?”
     Murphy shouts back, “Yeah, it’s by the sink!”
     Paddy shouts, “I can’t use that–it says it’s ‘for dry hair’ and I’ve just wet mine!”

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WHEN I GROW UP

A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they wanted to be when they grew up.
     Little Suzy declared, “I want to be a prostitute.”
     “What did you say?” asked the nun, totally shocked.
     “I said I want to be a prostitute,” Suzy repeated.
     “Oh, thank heavens,” said the nun. “I thought you said ‘a Protestant’!”

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PETROL PUMP

A Sardarji opened a petrol pump, but not a single customer went there. Do know why?
     Because he opened his petrol pump on the second floor.

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DISAPPEARED FOR TWO DAYS

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday, and he stayed out for the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his wages.
     After two days, when he finally returned home Sunday night, he was confronted by his angry wife who berated his for nearly two hours. Finally she asked him, “How would YOU like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”
     He replied, “That would be fine with me.”
     Sure enough, the whole of Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday came and went and again he didn’t see her. But on Wednesday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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CHANGE IS GOOD

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed frequently–and for the same reason.

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ODD MAN OUT

Q. Which of these things does not belong: a tuna, a lobster, a crab, or a Chinese guy run over by a truck?
A. The tuna. The other three are crustaceans.

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TOPLESS SUNBATHER

A woman was staying at a hotel, and decided to sunbathe on the hotel roof. She lay down comfortably and shut her eyes, and later when she rolled over to sun her back, her bikini top fell off. She didn’t care much, though, thinking no one would be able to see her up here. After a while she heard footsteps. It was the head waiter of the hotel restaurant.
     “Ma’am,” he said, “we would appreciate it if you could put your top back on.”
     “Why? I’m not disturbing anybody.”
     “Ma’am, you’re on the skylight.”

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