If you’re walking with your wife in the forest, and a bear crosses your path, don’t make the mistake of calling her ‘Honey’!
BEAR FEET
Two campers are walking through the forest when they suddenly encounter a grizzly bear. It sees them and begins to charge.
One camper turns to flee, but his buddy drop his backpack, takes out his sneakers and starts putting them on.
The second camper says, “What are you doing? It doesn’t matter what kind of shoes you’re wearing–you can’t outrun a bear!”
The first camper replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I just have to outrun YOU!”
DYING TO BUY
A blonde enters a shop and asks the salesclerk if she can buy the TV on display in the window.
The clerk looks at her and says that they don’t serve blondes. So she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the shop and asks the same thing, and again the clerk says they don’t serve blondes. Frustrated, she goes home and dyes her hair red.
The following day she returns and asks a different clerk the same question. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that they don’t serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world did you know I’m a blonde?”
The clerk replies, “That’s not a TV. It’s a microwave.”
EXTREME EXHAUSTION
A teacher reminded her class of the next day’s final exam. She told them that there would be no excuse for not showing up, barring a serious medical condition or a death in the immediate family. A smart-ass male student at the back of the room asked, “What about extreme sexual exhaustion?” and the whole class burst into laughter.
When silence was restored, the teacher shook her head and said, “That’s not an excuse. You can write with your other hand.”
MITIGATING CIRCUMSTANCES
“Your Honour,” said the defendant, “there were mitigating circumstances. At the time of the crime, I was without a fixed place of residence. I did not have anything to eat, and I had no friends.”
“I have already taken all this into consideration,” the judge replied. “You are to have a fixed place of residence for the next three years. You will also have a regular supply of food, as well as a number of close friends.”
BIGAMY DOESN’T PAY
Q. What is the punishment for bigamy?
A. Two mothers-in-law.
JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Janhabi Mukherjee, Kolkata
A Sardarji walks into a barber shop wearing a set of headphones. He wants a haircut, but is adamant about the fact that he won’t take off his headphones, even though the barber warns him that the cut won’t be perfect. After trying to explain to him for a long time, the barber finally gives up and begins. After a while, the Sardarji falls asleep…. Realizing his opportunity, the barber pulls off the headphones. Immediately the Sardarji starts gasping frantically for air, and then falls down, dead. No one can figure out the cause of his death, when on an impulse the barber picks up his headphones and puts them on. He hears a recorded voice calmly saying:
“Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out….”
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