SHAKESPEARE ON CRICKET

May 8th, 2010

(Compiled circa 1990, before computers did the heavy quote-lifting)

Shakespeare never wrote about cricket; although Lady Macbeth does say, “I hear the owls scream and the crickets cry.” But all we have to do is quote him out of context, and the Bard will be screaming and crying in his grave:

MERELY PLAYERS

     Well play’d. Almost six. Near-legged before. Not out. Played on? Alas! … Lad; go forward. For God defend. Take advantage of the field. By ones, by twos, and by threes. These profound heaves. Cannot take two. One short. You beg a single. He will not run. Why, what a rascal. Well placed. Dangerous shot. The bat hath flown. I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Make thee a pair, and I’ll bring thee to the court myself. Duck again. There is three umpires in this matter. Will you walk, sir?
     All the men and women merely players.
     At the orchard-end. Dost thou, chuck? Such odd action. Ridiculous and awkward. Sir; that were fast and loose. So wide? By ten mile. Indifferency, From all direction, purpose, course, intent. O’erstep not. O! no, no, no, no. My lord, you played once i’ the university, you say?
     Yonder i’ the sun practising. Lies tangled in a net.
     I come to draw. My gloves are on. I boldly will defend. Shall be a wall. Pray you, stand further from me. I beseech thee, apparel thy head. The better face. What a pitch. A touch, a touch, I do confess. If you love me, hold not. I have receiv’d a second life. Who knows how that may turn. Oft have I struck Those that I never saw. Faith, I ran when I saw others run. Seems far too short to hit me here. Borrowed a box. I would have swing’d him. I can hook. I pull in resolution. I could with bare-fac’d power sweep him from my sight. Will turn it finely. Did glance away from me. Again, it was not well cut. No stroke. Thrice beaten. Over. Maiden. Fetch my bail. Left nothing i’ the middle. Who is it in the press that calls on me?
     Not, while I have a stump.
     A moderate pace I have. But though slow, deadly. Natural the cutter-off. The turn or the breaking. With all the cunning manner of our flight. Coming down the hill will serve the turn. Cur! thou driv’st me past the bounds. No maiden. What, four? thou saidst but two even now.
     The wrong side out.
     Those centuries to our aid. Spurio, a hundred and fifty; Sebastian, so many; Corambus, … Jacques, … Guiltian, Cosmo, Lodowick, and Gratii, … Chitopher, Vaumond, Bentii, two hundred fifty each. He is enforced to retire. Twelve for nine. In eternal darkness folded up. Offer’d light. Come.
     Thump! Eleven die nobly for their country.
     Another bad match. Here’s no scoring. Some death more long in spectatorship. One stroke has taken For ever. Look you now, he’s out of his guard already. These villains make the word captain as odious as the word ‘occupy’.
     They seem to threaten Runs. Needless shot, after such bloody toil. Like a brib’d duck, each. He thought to steal the single. That makes a still-stand, running neither way. Naught, naught, all naught! I can behold no longer. At an infinite rate. What a pair of spectacles. This is the bloodiest shame, the wildest savagery, the vilest stroke. So find we profit By losing. Coach after coach.
     There comes with them a forerunner.       
     I, Costard, running out.
     He rather means to lodge you in the field. Thou then to cover. This is the third man. Cardinal Beaufort is at point. I see you stand like greyhounds in the slips. Where art thou, keeper? Deeper than you can imagine. Prithee, bring him in. Let them all encircle him about. All on one side. This wide gap. Pow. Here lies the point. He looks out. How! Boisterous late appeal. How needless was it then to ask the question! Make a swift return. We are like to have the overthrow again. There has been much throwing about. I aim a mile beyond.
     Shall not know my coin.
     George of Clarence sweeps.
     Send after the duke and appeal to him.
     He was wont to shine. I fear too much rubbing. A double varnish.
     Come to our pavilion.
     This blessed league. Surrey for the field to-morrow. Of Gloucester, How joyful am I made by this contract! I’ll make the best in Gloster-shire. Gloucester, led by an old Man. I am more inclined to Somerset than York. Somerset will keep me here, without discharge, money, or furniture.
     Clubs cannot part them.
     Enter Gower, Exeunt Gower and … The English power is near, led on by Malcolm. Pardon old Gower. Fight, gentlemen of England! fight, bold yeomen! Draw. Stands empty in the drowned field.
     No supporter but the huge firm.
     God himself; the very opener.
     His companion, youthful Valentine.
     Ye squeak out your coziers’ catches.
     Look in the almanack; find out.
     Cracking ten thousand.
     Grace? that old white-bearded Satan …
     Ashes ancient.
     Topless deputation.
     Why, it carries. It came too suddenly. It is quite beyond mine arm. Seem’d i’ the air to stick.
     Welcome, ass. Now let’s have a catch. Both your hands: Now join your hands. You may take him at your pleasure; I will be near to second your attempt, and he shall fall between us. By heav’n, I’ll have’t. Yours, yours. Take it; ’tis yours. I heard groan and drop. Escap’d our hands. Your attempt, as you call it, deserves more–a punishment too.
     For suddenly a grievous sickness took him, That makes him gasp and stare, and catch the air. Guilty of this lamentable chance. When he caught it, he let it go again. Spills another.
     We cannot hold. Things fall out.

Posted in The Odd Article | 2 Comments »

THE ANT AND THE CRICKET

April 24th, 2010

(In Hindsight 38/Apr 20-25, 2010)

Last week the Chief Justice of India complained that people “only watch cricket during the nights without doing any work during daytime.” However, he concluded we must “let them go and watch cricket matches” because “we cannot do anything on this.”

Thus ended the dream of activist Subhash Dutta, who had been trying to get the court to intervene and reschedule night matches for the daytime, which might have prevented the country’s current energy shortage from getting worse. Well, he hasn’t entirely stopped dreaming: he says he will try again after the present CJI retires. By then, of course, the current crisis might degenerate into a no-current crisis; but that’s not my point.

Why are Indians so crazy about cricket? Partly because it’s one of the few spectator sports they’re good at. Could you imagine Sachin Tendulkar as a star player in the EPL instead of the IPL, darting up and down the field scoring goals? Pretty much impossible. Most Indians live closer to their heads than their legs: this is an advantage if you want to use you mind; but not to move your behind. In which other sports competition would feeble fogeys who retired years ago be among the top performers? When Kerry Packer invented floodlit cricket he said ‘Big boys play at night’ (nor must we forget that crickets tend to be noisy and nocturnal), but if the social butterflies are moth-eaten men then, under bright lights, they might get roasted.

Is sport, then, a waste of time? If you’re watching it rather than doing it, perhaps it is. Yet even then it can help the local economy, though the effect is small (and smaller still if no one works the next day). In any case, it’s no point hauling sportsmen or their supporters before a judge. As the chief beak shrieked, there’s not much we can do about it. In particular, don’t make a fool of yourself by going up to a tennis player and threatening to take him “to the court”!

While the energy crisis is a cause for concern, sports fans should also start thinking about their own low energy levels. Sitting stubbornly in front of a television set, or mulishly kicking off your shoes when others suggest a trip to the stadium, won’t help much. Well, actually making the supreme effort of travelling to the match venue won’t put joules in a mule either. You have to get your own ass moving, instead of trotting out red herrings. Otherwise you might end up like a fish out of water yourself.

If even a trip to the kitchen to fill your plate (or the bathroom to load the bowl) leaves you gasping for air, then the time to act is now. India was once reputedly a nation of starvation, but now obesity has reached epidemic proportions. In addition to this, South Asians are at greater risk of heart disease than any other regional population in the world. Mr. Dutta had argued in court that “this game of small ball can be played better in daylight”; but if things continue as they are then a greater worry might be the big balls that on close inspection turn out to be human couch potatoes.

Posted in In Hindsight 2010 | 2 Comments »

LEADERS ARE LIARS

April 10th, 2010

(In Hindsight 37/Apr 6-11, 2010)

Formerly, when you said a lady was ‘da bomb’, it was intended as a compliment. That’s not how Moscow’s security chief meant it when he fingered two female suicide bombers for killing dozens in crowded metro carriages last week. Russians are saying nyet, not da, to bombs; and Putin has vowed to drag the plotters “out of the sewer”; but bombers will be bombers, and find new ways to hide bombs.

The latest is reportedly a plan by Al Qaida to use exploding breast and buttock implants. Even if security checks at stations and airports could be made foolproof, with full-body scans or passengers’ boobs and bums being intimately inspected, there are other crowded places where headline-grabbing attacks can be carried out.

And if you single out people of a specific origin or ethnicity for probing their privates, or try to keep them out of your country, eventually they’ll recruit from less suspected groups, as in the recent case of the blonde American woman involved in a European terror conspiracy. (Or did she just have a ‘blonde moment’ and forget which side she was on?)

There have been many ‘home-grown terrorists’ operating in their native lands and beyond, including Deadly Headley whose agents did a medley across the Arabian Sea to strike Mumbai. There will always be people whose idea of God is strikingly similar to others’ idea of the devil, desiring havoc and destruction. A democratic society can never be completely safe from lunacy and terror.

In recent years, self-proclaimed protectors of most religions have developed a soft spot for a hard line. A decade ago you wouldn’t have imagined people being forced to leave India for their art, as in the case of the unshod M.F. Hussain or the unveiled Taslima Nasreen, driven out by Hindu and Muslim extremists. (Actually I’m unsure if they were ‘driven’ or had to flee barefoot to the airport.) In Sri Lanka we’ve even had some Buddhist monks behaving more like monkeys, encouraging violence.

The chief culprits are religious and political leaders, who know they wouldn’t survive without their ‘enemies’ and, in effect, usually prescribe hatred in exchange for hatred. What do you observe at a ‘peace’ rally these days? You see demonstrators noisily expressing some form of hate for other people and other ways. Where a population can’t find enough enemies they split up like amoebae into mutually hateful groups: as in the USA, where modern politics tends to be about detesting either Democrats or Republicans; or Central America where a football game once precipitated a war; and so on. Let’s not forget that even Putin used his Chechnya campaign to gain power; and now needs a distraction from recent demonstrations held against his handling of the economy.

One possible solution to hatred and violence is education (which is why the Taliban are so busy blowing up schools). Perhaps it would also be useful to assume that a large-scale leader is a liar; fabricating, fabulating, often hatemongering to keep his position. Trust none of them. Don’t go to their frenzied rallies. Let them set out their agenda, and then vote from home if you can. If anyone lectures you on how you should embrace an ideology, don’t listen. Which also means that after you’ve finished reading this column, you should throw it away and forget about it.

Posted in In Hindsight 2010 | No Comments »

TH FUTURE OF MAN

March 27th, 2010

(In Hindsight 36/Mar 23-28, 2010)

There was a time when a gentleman would give up his seat for a lady, without surrendering any power therewith. Rather, he would be viewed as condescending–in the old, good sense of the word–toward the ‘weaker’ sex. Now, a good number of Indian MCPs (male chauvinist parliamentarians) are fiercely resisting seat reservation for these once-reserved creatures.

Some male politicians don’t feel so threatened because they already have plans to control the reserved seats by putting forward obedient wives or sisters, or possibly even squeezing mothers-in-law into them. Others demand reservation within reservation for their own–or strategically allied–caste or creed. A few fear it will never end and that men might gradually be reduced to a minority in parliament.

There are a number of countries in which the percentage of female parliamentarians is approaching the halfway mark. Well, actually there’s one country where it has surpassed 50 per cent, but Rwanda is a place where so many adult males were killed in 1994 that perhaps it doesn’t count.

Surveys have shown women don’t desire power as much as men, but do believe it should be divided between men and, if not themselves, others of the fair sex. With a little unfair help from quotas, this project is gradually moving ahead. About 70 countries have parliamentary participation quotas or goals for women. There are more than 20 female heads of state and government. These include Tarja Halonen, the president of Finland, whom talk show host Conan O’Brien supported because he “looks just like” her (a theme to which we shall return shortly).

In other fields, from business to entertainment, women are becoming richer and more influential. Women clowns and corporate leaders are springing up everywhere. It has gone so far that there are now thousands of sexual harassment cases being filed by males against female employers.

There is worse news for those terrified men. Not only will women eventually get a roughly equal share of power: they will also become equal to men in ways the latter have not yet dreamt of. It will one day become hard to tell the difference between men and women even if you were staring them in the androgynous face. Conan himself might begin to resemble a boyish barbarian in comparison to fellows of the future.

After all, the old sex differences were based on certain gender roles thought to have had survival value. Women were smaller and weaker so that men could boss them about (or at least think they did), divide labour and run their group or society smoothly.

In modern society, by contrast, there is no need for anyone to play a predetermined role; and only secondary sexual selection is still biased toward the old forms and figures. Today, with deviations from the archetype unpunished, ‘weird’ sexual preferences flourishing, and zygote engineering or cloning set to assist anyone who wants his, her or its own designer baby, those old sexual instincts are about to be unseated.

My fellow men, this frightens me as much as you, but there’s nothing we can do about it. Don’t believe me? Then travel to South America and look for a grey-faced animal called the guanaco, related to the llama, whose males and females look exactly alike. Try making fun of it. The result will be that it spits at you.

Posted in In Hindsight 2010 | 2 Comments »

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 60

March 21st, 2010

My question is: Which is the heavier of the following two dog breeds? (1) mastiff (Old English Mastiff) or (2) Saint Bernard (Alpine Mastiff)? Please help.
–Sujoy Acharyya

If one of them sits on you, will it make a difference? You cannot say either is heavier as their weights overlap. Mastiffs are generally thought to be between five and 10 kilograms heavier on average, but dogs of both breeds may weigh up to 100 kg or more. Also, for example, in America both dogs might possibly weigh a few kilos more than in Europe, perhaps because of all those hot dogs or whatever they eat. The heaviest reliably weighed dog of all time was a mastiff named Zorba de la Susa, at 343 pounds or 156 kg. Can you imagine having a dog like Señor Susa in the house, especially when he starts doing susu and worse? Yet there was a time when they were useful war dogs, fighting fearlessly alongside the ancient Britons against invading Romans. Unfortunately the Romans won, and took back some dogs to make them fight with bulls, bears and lions. So, more of those poor mastiffs became stiffs.

I am very interested in learning how to bring out the shapes of different things by paper folding. Could you please let me know about any web site that teaches the making of such things?
–Swagata Sengupta, Delhi

There are a number of free sites where you don’t have to produce your purse and unfold your paper money to learn about paper folding. The most obvious would be paperfolding.com, which incidentally does give useful information as well as links to other sites that you could choose from.

I need an ending to this story (it’s sci-fi): Three people were spying on an alien (on Earth). The alien saw two of them and took them to his mother ship as hostages. The third friend is left alone. What should he do? (1) Save them, (2) let them be taken away, (3) kill the aliens somehow (here, you need to tell how), (4) himself be killed by fighting (here, you need to tell how), or (5) outwit the aliens (here, you need to tell how)? Please give details in your answer.
–Choti

This story recalls the problems of alien immigrants in various nations of the earth. Your choice of ending depends on who the good guys are in your story. Are you a human supremacist or alien liberationist? You must also consider the philosophy and politics of your readership, and whether you want to sell your story (for money or merit). To kill or outwit the aliens, you can exploit their Achilles heel (which in their case could well be located at their tendon, or head, or elsewhere): there will be some earthly element which they cannot tolerate, such as the atmosphere that can’t be breathed directly, or local food that gives them Delhi belly, etc. If it’s the air, then puncture their spacesuits or spaceship walls; or get a politician to give a welcome speech and gas them to death. (If it’s D. belly, seal their spacesuits.) To kill the earthling, it would be the opposite: expose him to the ship’s artificial atmosphere (or expose the aliens to him, allowing their anatomy to give him a heart attack or fatal laughing fit).

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

Posted in Questions 2009-10 | No Comments »

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 59

March 14th, 2010

Which is the most poisonous lizard found on Earth?
–Nilay Pandey, Kolkata

The most poisonous lizards are the so-called monstersaurs, including the Gila monster and Mexican beaded lizard (with an additional lethal toxin described in the latter), almost two and three feet long respectively, belonging to a group of ancient lizards from dinosaur days. Their poison is strong enough to kill a very young child. If one of them bit you, you would not die, but it would possibly be the most painful experience of your life. They’d hang on to you after biting, and some of their infectious teeth would break off, becoming embedded in your swollen skin, making it worse. The angrier they are, the more they salivate and the more poison they deliver. However they can be gentle and loving too: in fact they’re more reluctant to let go of creatures they love than ones they hate: their mating sessions may last for up to two-and-a-half hours. So if you ever feel a monstersaur is acting friendly, treating you as its best mate, then run away even faster! (They are slow runners and wouldn’t be able to catch you.)

Please tell me about some web sites paying a user to upload a video or photo on it.
–Anil Kumar, Jammu

There are a number of sites offering payment based on downloads of your uploads, or recruitment of members, etc., but there have been some complaints about them and I’m not recommending most. If you do want a recommendation, I’d suggest what are known as microstock photo agencies, which source many photos, vectors and videos from semi-professionals or stupid amateurs like you and me. They have millions of customers making purchases from searchable databases, fetching contributors a royalty from about a quarter-dollar to tens of dollars, or in rare cases thousands, for each picture used. For videos, it might start at about five dollars for the shrimpiest, and so on. A few of their contributors earn around $10,000 a month. Try iStockphoto.com, Shutterstock.com, Fotolia.com (photo liya? To upload karo!), or Dreamstime.com. These agencies have succeeded in affecting the traditional photo industry’s profits, and being taken seriously enough for Getty Images to buy iStockphoto in 2006 for $50 million.

I am 18 years old, and I am going to appear for the higher secondary exam. My problem is that I can’t concentrate on studies for a long time. As a result my studies are being affected often. All through the day, I feel lethargic. Please help me.
–Anindya Bhattacharya, Serampore

If you feel lethargic all day, you may not be getting enough sleep at night. But if more sleep doesn’t work you might need to become physically fit, which would in turn give you mental alertness and stamina. I suggest some suitable exercise (after consulting a doctor if necessary), frequent laughter, as well as a better diet. A daily multivitamin tablet (not on an empty stomach) might also help. In case you’re spending too much time and energy on social networking and the Internet, video games, etc. (or even those sites where one must be exactly your age to enter), then set a time limit or at least a regular bedtime (alone).

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

Posted in Questions 2009-10 | No Comments »

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 58

March 7th, 2010

When the club officials and spectators are wearing extra thick winter garments, how are the English footballers playing in this sub-zero European winter wearing only a thin jersey and shorts? Also, how come not a single flake of snow could be found on the ground?
–Amitabha Sarkar

Football and other ball games in freezing weather are possible not because the brave players first froze their balls on the playing fields of Eton. Actually many English Premier League matches were postponed because of cold weather, snow and frozen pitches this winter. Some were put off when the field was fine but approach roads were icy. However, most Premiership stadiums have undersoil heating systems, with hot-water pipes to prevent snow and ice from building up. In future these systems may be replaced by electric heating, as recently selected by the Dutch club Ajax Amsterdam.

Is there any web site or helpline or source from which the subscriber of a telephone number in Kolkata (not mobile), other than BSNL, can be found out, please?
–Dipjyoti Majumdar, Kolkata

Private fixed-line providers like Airtel, Reliance Communications and Tata Teleservices don’t allow access to their records except in special cases such as a request from a security agency. The best helpline, if you’re being harassed by an unidentified caller, is the police line. But if it’s a cute girl whom YOU want to locate (or harass), then you’ll have to risk complaining against her and try to make up after catching her. Of course, there are illegal ways to find out, but unfortunately this column does not offer such help (unless you make me a generous offer). Yet, you can find the caller’s location and service provider, at sites like hacktrix.com/trace-mobile-phone-location-and-service-provider-details. The BSNL reverse phone directory, in case you didn’t know already, is at calcutta.bsnl.co.in/telno.shtml.

Does the Nokia N900 support a CD/DVD-ROM (by using extra devices)? Can I sit for the Aakash All India Test Series for IIT-JEE with it? Does the already mentioned Internet tablet support any printer? If yes, please mention a good but cheap one. Can you please tell me its price (in INR) in Malda?
–K.T. Hankslet, Malda

You’re only supposed to ask ONE question–but I’m feeling generous today (cf. Dipjyoti’s answer). Well, you can convert your CDs or DVDs by downloading a ripper. You can sit or stand for the Aakash tests online with the N900, although they have a time limit and might take longer with this mini-computer. It doesn’t support printers, so you’d have to improvise by using a Bluetooth application to send data to a printer, etc. I’d recommend an HP printer costing about Rs. 2,500 in Malda (more than in Kolkata because of the transport cost).

I have downloaded some images from the Internet onto the hard disk of my computer. How can I copy those images into my mobile phone?
–Ronak Shrivastava, Kolkata

Why must you make life so complicated? Well, it depends on the phone. For a Nokia, load Nokia PC Suite software onto your computer. Next, connect the phone and computer through a USB cable, or use a Bluetooth dongle. Double-click the Nokia PC Suite icon on the computer. Get the Nokia Phone Browser. Select desired images. Right-click image and send file fast and furiously to phone.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

Posted in Questions 2009-10 | 5 Comments »

MALIGNANT HUMOUR 38

March 7th, 2010

They may put you in chains and lock you up in a tiny cell, but they can never take away the thoughts of freedom in your mind. That’s what makes it worse.

YEARS OF SOLUTUDE

Three convicts were on their way to prison for a long time. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
     On the bus, one turned to another and said, “So, what did you bring?” The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the ‘Grandma Moses of Jail’. Then he asked the first, “What did you bring?”
     The first convict pulled out a pack of cards and said, “I brought cards. I can play solitaire, poker, gin, and any number of games.”
     The third convict was sitting quietly, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
     The guy pulled out a box of tampons. He said, “I brought these.”
     The other two were puzzled and asked, “What can you do with those?”
     “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating, …”

WEALTHY WIDOWER

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful 25-year-old blonde woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her charm and who hangs on to Bob’s arm listening intently to his every word.
     His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!” They are bowled over, but continue to question him. “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?” “I lied about my age,” Bob replies. They ask, “What did you do, tell her you were only 50?”
     Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

ROTTEN EGG

Customer: “Waiter, this egg isn’t fresh!”
     Waiter: “Don’t look at me, sir. I only laid the table.”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Mangesh Nabar

A new supermarket has opened in Double Bay, Sydney, Australia.
     It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the distant sound of thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
     When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh cut hay.
     In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks and bratwurst.
     In the liquor department, the fresh, clean, crisp smell of tapped John Smith’s beer.
     When you approach the egg cases, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
     The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread and cakes.
     Of course, I do not buy toilet paper there any more!

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

Posted in Malignant Humour 2009-10 | No Comments »

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW… BUT WISH YOU HADN’T ASKED 57

February 28th, 2010

What is String Theory? Is it going to help me in any way?
–Dilip Kumar Giri, Howrah

A good grasp of string theory is essential for those who don’t want their pyjamas to fall off. String Theory is also the generic name for a number of theories of the universe, explaining its elementary particles. Think of it this way: just as the strings of a guitar can produce different sounds depending on their tension and vibration, so elementary particles might appear as ‘notes’ on elementary strings–bad pun follows–composing them. The theory attempts to unite the fundamental forces of nature, and in its ‘supersymmetric’ versions–pairing all particles of matter with force-carrying particles–is a TOE (Theory Of Everything). You can show this TOE the finger and forget about it, or study it (though it’s mainly mathematical and minimally musical) and be a researcher or teacher; or use it to impress your ignorant friends by tying them up in knots.

Why do the officers and clerks at government offices, whether central or state, not want to work or move files unless they are offered bribes? This is rampant in the West Bengal state sales tax department. How to get them caught? What is the process of notifying the CBI or other relevant competent authority?
–Ram Vikash Sharma, Kolkata

It’s called the law of inertia. If you witness corruption and want to ‘get them caught’ and suspended, then probably the only way is to approach a private TV channel and conduct a sting operation. But I’m afraid that even if you manage to do so, they will likely soon bribe their way back or otherwise return to office. The system is entirely corrupt, and some of the people who get caught seem to think they have added fame to their fortune. Filing complaints and even FIRs accusing them of corruption generally does little good. However, many instances of little good may add up to more than a fat lot of good, and you should do what you can if you have the courage (and patience). You could use the Right to Information Act, especially if it’s a case of someone refusing to push your file without a bribe. Write a complaint, also asking what action is to be taken, and address it to the Assistant Commissioner of Commercial Taxes, Corporate Division; 14, Beliaghata Road; Kolkata 15. Write it on 10-rupee stamp paper or affix a court fee stamp, giving your own address, phone number, etc. for further communication. You would get the information within 30 days. Complainants might see their problem solved before a reply is required, simply because that’s often preferable to providing embarrassing information (even if Bengal ranks at the bottom of the table in public satisfaction with the RTI Act). RTI has become quite useful for getting minor work done; but it still does a toad’s load of good when hunting the high flyers. Just last week, for example, RTI activist Shashidhar Mishra was shot dead in Begusarai district of Bihar. Eventually the system will change. Honest citizens and government servants are trying out things like mobile networks to help each other when in trouble; and e-governance, technology and automation are making corruption more difficult; though at the moment we’re still being governed by greasy goondas.

Questions may be sent to burythequestion@gmail.com

Posted in Questions 2009-10 | 2 Comments »

MALIGNANT HUMOUR 37

February 28th, 2010

A dog is man’s best friend. This proves they’re not the smartest creatures on earth.

TRAINED CHIHUAHUA

A man walks into his back yard one morning and finds a gorilla sitting in a tree. So he checks the yellow pages for a gorilla removal service and phones them.
     “Is it a boy or girl gorilla?” the service guy asks.
     “Boy,” is the man’s response.
     “Okay, I can do it. I’ll be right there.”
     An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a pair of handcuffs, and a shotgun. He gives the man some instructions: “Now listen carefully! I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls to the ground. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla’s testicles off. The gorilla will then instinctively cross his hands in front of him, allowing you to slap the handcuffs on him.”
     “Got it,” says the man. “But what’s the gun for?”
     The service guy replies, “If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla does, shoot the Chihuahua!”

SECRET OF LONG LIFE

Two wrinkled women were rocking in their chairs and talking. The first one asked, “What’s the secret of your long life?”
     The second replied, “I’ve never smoked, never touched a drop of alcohol, and had limited contact with strangers. I’ve also chosen my food carefully. I’ll be 95 years old this year. And what about you?”
     “Oh, I’ve smoked three packs a day all my life, drunk a crate of whisky a week, taken part in wild orgies every night, and my meals have basically consisted of pizza and Coke.”
     “Wow! It’s surprising that you’re still alive! How old are you?”
     “I’ll be 25 this year.”

MEAT HOOKS

A gambler walked into a butcher’s shop and told the butcher, “I bet you $500 that you can’t reach the meat hanging from those ceiling hooks!”
     The butcher replied, “I’m not taking that bet.”
     “Why not?”
     “The steaks are too high.”

A KNOCK AT MIDNIGHT

It was the middle of the night. Suddenly there was a loud knocking on the doctor’s door, followed by a groan. The doctor angrily thrust his head out of the window. “WELL?” he shouted.
     “No,” moaned the man. “Sick!”

JOKE OF THE WEEK
by Indradeep Giri

A husband writes to his wife:
     Dear ____,
     This month I could not earn much to send you. As a gesture of love I’m sending 100 kisses for you. Hope you can live with that. Take care,
     Your Loving Husband.
     In reply the wife wrote:
     Dear ____,
     Hope you are well. I’m giving you the account of kisses that you sent to me. I gave 20 to the shopkeeper whom I owe. I gave another 15 to my make-up man whom I owe a large sum of money, and another 25 to our grocer. Out of the remaining 40 I gave 15 to the tailor and another 25 to our landlord. Hoping to get some money next month from you. Love you,
     Your Loving Wife.

Jokes may be sent to jokesonthyself@gmail.com

Posted in Malignant Humour 2009-10 | No Comments »

« Previous Entries
Next Entries »